The Story Telling Self

I watched a clip of Joseph Grenny last week from VitalSmarts and it prompted this post:

Think about something you experienced this week. Something that you may still be confused about or don't understand. It may have been an awkward interaction you had with a friend or a stranger, or a frustrating conversation you had with a coworker. Give yourself a play-by-play and pay attention to what you feel.

My story takes place while I was at work. I started a job at a restaurant as a server a few weeks ago and have enjoyed getting to know new people and apply myself in new situations. That said I still do not understand the personalities of the people I am working with, and the culture of the business. I was in a situation last week where I thought I was helping in the kitchen but my superior did not see it that way. I got yelled at and told to go do something else.

As I left the kitchen I developed a story about what had happened and it went something like this:

• I was in the kitchen helping out waiting to take food out to a table because I had nothing else to do. Suddenly he yelled at me for being there and told me to leave. I thought to myself "fine I wont help, and I wont go back there the entire night if he doesn't want me to be there. He can do all the work for all I care. Why did he even do that?! Is he just trying to make a point to me that he is the boss? Did I do something to get on his bad side already? Is he intimidated by me for some reason? What was the purpose of him singling me out in front of everyone?"

While making multiple versions of this story in my head and contemplating the source of his reaction to my being there I felt angry, frustrated, rebellious, and a little embarrassed.

It was not until I took a step back and thought about what really happened before I could be a better me. First, he was busy, stressed, and could have been experiencing an assortment of emotions all that could have been amplified by being under-slept or experiencing something earlier that day that got him in a bad mood. My story then took shape to look more like this.

• He was stressed out in the kitchen working hard, I came in at the wrong time and my behavior just happened to be the straw that broke the camels back. I have been in his shoes before and have acted the exact same way. I got to give him a break. I also thought--
• He just wants to get work done and to him that may not have been rude. That is the way he manages and was worried that I was not working as efficiently as I could. It was nothing personal, he was actually looking out for by making sure that I was doing what I needed to in order to make money that night.

The consequences of changing my story:

• First, I kept a positive attitude the rest of the night and was able to positively communicate with customers and my superior without looking or feeling incompetent. 
• Second, it helped me avoid having a bad attitude, or in other words "silence myself" in some way. (Joseph Grenny talks more about this in the attached video.)

Notice that the person who benefitted most from me changing my story was me. Not my manager or coworkers. 

Now think back to the confusing/frustrating interaction you had earlier this week and the emotions associated with it. What story did you tell yourself after experiencing it? 

Now change your story. 

Do you feel different? I hope that you feel more positive about that experience. The principles taught by Joseph Grenny in this video are wonderful and I am thankful for them.

This can of course not always be taken to the extreme of lying to yourself about something you experienced, but is helpful where there may be a little bit of ambiguity. 

Practice it and see what happens. I believe that you will experience more confidence, patience with others, and be a better communicator.  

Joseph Grenny, via VitalSmarts Speakers

I would love to hear your success stories so drop me a line in the comments after trying this out!