The Story Telling Self

I watched a clip of Joseph Grenny last week from VitalSmarts and it prompted this post:

Think about something you experienced this week. Something that you may still be confused about or don't understand. It may have been an awkward interaction you had with a friend or a stranger, or a frustrating conversation you had with a coworker. Give yourself a play-by-play and pay attention to what you feel.

My story takes place while I was at work. I started a job at a restaurant as a server a few weeks ago and have enjoyed getting to know new people and apply myself in new situations. That said I still do not understand the personalities of the people I am working with, and the culture of the business. I was in a situation last week where I thought I was helping in the kitchen but my superior did not see it that way. I got yelled at and told to go do something else.

As I left the kitchen I developed a story about what had happened and it went something like this:

• I was in the kitchen helping out waiting to take food out to a table because I had nothing else to do. Suddenly he yelled at me for being there and told me to leave. I thought to myself "fine I wont help, and I wont go back there the entire night if he doesn't want me to be there. He can do all the work for all I care. Why did he even do that?! Is he just trying to make a point to me that he is the boss? Did I do something to get on his bad side already? Is he intimidated by me for some reason? What was the purpose of him singling me out in front of everyone?"

While making multiple versions of this story in my head and contemplating the source of his reaction to my being there I felt angry, frustrated, rebellious, and a little embarrassed.

It was not until I took a step back and thought about what really happened before I could be a better me. First, he was busy, stressed, and could have been experiencing an assortment of emotions all that could have been amplified by being under-slept or experiencing something earlier that day that got him in a bad mood. My story then took shape to look more like this.

• He was stressed out in the kitchen working hard, I came in at the wrong time and my behavior just happened to be the straw that broke the camels back. I have been in his shoes before and have acted the exact same way. I got to give him a break. I also thought--
• He just wants to get work done and to him that may not have been rude. That is the way he manages and was worried that I was not working as efficiently as I could. It was nothing personal, he was actually looking out for by making sure that I was doing what I needed to in order to make money that night.

The consequences of changing my story:

• First, I kept a positive attitude the rest of the night and was able to positively communicate with customers and my superior without looking or feeling incompetent. 
• Second, it helped me avoid having a bad attitude, or in other words "silence myself" in some way. (Joseph Grenny talks more about this in the attached video.)

Notice that the person who benefitted most from me changing my story was me. Not my manager or coworkers. 

Now think back to the confusing/frustrating interaction you had earlier this week and the emotions associated with it. What story did you tell yourself after experiencing it? 

Now change your story. 

Do you feel different? I hope that you feel more positive about that experience. The principles taught by Joseph Grenny in this video are wonderful and I am thankful for them.

This can of course not always be taken to the extreme of lying to yourself about something you experienced, but is helpful where there may be a little bit of ambiguity. 

Practice it and see what happens. I believe that you will experience more confidence, patience with others, and be a better communicator.  

Joseph Grenny, via VitalSmarts Speakers

I would love to hear your success stories so drop me a line in the comments after trying this out!

How Much do We Care? Does it Show?

I find it frustrating when someone I love does not open up to me and tell me about what is going on in their life. My little brother specifically. More often than not I think I am the "cool older brother who has all wisdom and can help him have a better life because I have been there and done that," so you should want to talk to me about what you are experiencing and let me tell you what to do...

I am thankful that this little brother can sometimes put me in my place and remind me that I am not a professional advice giver. Secondly, there must be reasons why he doesn't want to talk to me about some of the things that he is experiencing. In this post I want to talk about one (the reasons could be many) potential reason why this happens.

We train our loved ones that they can or cant talk to us about certain things according to how we respond to them. That response can be perceived by them as the level to which we may care about or love them.

I learned this from a friend named Jennifer White, who works as a therapist, a year ago and I will never forget it:

When we are told information/given news we generally respond one of four ways.

1. Active Constructive
2. Active Desctructive
3. Passive Destructive
4. Passive Constructive

This is a five and a half minute video that may explain it better than I can: 

Which way if most frustrating to you? Why is that? We all experience these interactions every day. I will shed some brief light on the four.

Passive constructive may be the most common response we receive or give. We might say the right things and sound somewhat interested, but not enough to stop what we are doing. It is generally what happens when we are busy on our phones, computers, or preoccupied with other things. It communicates, "this current activity is more important than you right now." Even when we don't believe that or wish to convey that, it is generally felt that way.


Passive destructive could be described as stealing someone else's thunder, and can happen unintentionally or intentionally. Unintentionally if we are excited about something and have to tell someone, and it happens to be in that same moment someone else is wanting to share something important with us. Intentionally, when we are angry or have a chip on our shoulder and we decide to minimize their news because of our current mood toward them. This can be hard to avoid and takes conscious effort because we generally like to look and feel good, and experience that being heard/listened to promotes those feelings. So when someone who we are angry at wants to be heard, we think that they don't deserve it and stamp out their flame with something that we think is better, or brush it off and give it no value.

Active destructive is flat our rude, but we can all relate to it. Specifically with those whom we are close to. This is the response that I fall into with my little brother. I start asking him questions as to how something will work, if he has thought it through, and essentially become his nay-sayer. It automatically publishes a warning sign on the walls of his head that says, "he will not support this or be happy for me." It is difficult because we treat the people we love this way in an effort to help them and watch out for them, but in no way mean to be a nay-sayer! Being skeptical can promote improvement and play an important role in making decisions, however it can be damaging early on in an interaction. Prying questions and doubts should be reserved for later if time permits.

Active constructive is of course the kind that we all like to experience most because it is uplifting and engages both parties. It communicates to the other person, "you are important, this is important, and I want to be a part of it." It lets the other person know that they can come to you and talk to you again in hopes of you responding the same way. This is also the only type of response that works if someone is venting about something that they are angry about. All that can be done is listening, validating, and understanding.

None of these responses need to be lengthly in order to leave their mark. If we make the extra effort to invest in the lives of those we love and care about then we will be able to better support and help them.

Creating

I love to make presentations and giving them. I love to build something at our little apartment and show it off to my wife. I previously thought that I was this way simply because I enjoy being in front of people or constructing something. I have recently found that what I love more than anything and want to do everyday of my life is contribute. I want to contribute to life in a beautiful meaningful way and that is typically through creating something.

Some of my favorite experiences have been when I have created a presentation of some kind and given it. Even though the material that I have presented is typically other peoples' thoughts and ideas from a study or a book, I still get excited about organizing it in a way that accomplishes a certain purpose. Standing in front of a large group of people who are hopefully ready to learn and participate in some way exhilarates me. 

I want to contribute. That is usually done through creating thoughts or producing/making things. In my blog I want to do so. I will create posts that have a purpose and contribute to those of you who read it. Sometimes they may not be what you need but they will be things that I need or have needed and I know that someone else will benefit from.