I am thankful that this little brother can sometimes put me in my place and remind me that I am not a professional advice giver. Secondly, there must be reasons why he doesn't want to talk to me about some of the things that he is experiencing. In this post I want to talk about one (the reasons could be many) potential reason why this happens.
We train our loved ones that they can or cant talk to us about certain things according to how we respond to them. That response can be perceived by them as the level to which we may care about or love them.
I learned this from a friend named Jennifer White, who works as a therapist, a year ago and I will never forget it:
When we are told information/given news we generally respond one of four ways.
- Active Constructive
- Active Desctructive
- Passive Destructive
- Passive Constructive
This is a five and a half minute video that may explain it better than I can:
Which way if most frustrating to you? Why is that? We all experience these interactions every day. I will shed some brief light on the four.
Passive constructive may be the most common response we receive or give. We might say the right things and sound somewhat interested, but not enough to stop what we are doing. It is generally what happens when we are busy on our phones, computers, or preoccupied with other things. It communicates, "this current activity is more important than you right now." Even when we don't believe that or wish to convey that, it is generally felt that way.
Passive destructive could be described as stealing someone else's thunder, and can happen unintentionally or intentionally. Unintentionally if we are excited about something and have to tell someone, and it happens to be in that same moment someone else is wanting to share something important with us. Intentionally, when we are angry or have a chip on our shoulder and we decide to minimize their news because of our current mood toward them. This can be hard to avoid and takes conscious effort because we generally like to look and feel good, and experience that being heard/listened to promotes those feelings. So when someone who we are angry at wants to be heard, we think that they don't deserve it and stamp out their flame with something that we think is better, or brush it off and give it no value.
Active destructive is flat our rude, but we can all relate to it. Specifically with those whom we are close to. This is the response that I fall into with my little brother. I start asking him questions as to how something will work, if he has thought it through, and essentially become his nay-sayer. It automatically publishes a warning sign on the walls of his head that says, "he will not support this or be happy for me." It is difficult because we treat the people we love this way in an effort to help them and watch out for them, but in no way mean to be a nay-sayer! Being skeptical can promote improvement and play an important role in making decisions, however it can be damaging early on in an interaction. Prying questions and doubts should be reserved for later if time permits.
Active constructive is of course the kind that we all like to experience most because it is uplifting and engages both parties. It communicates to the other person, "you are important, this is important, and I want to be a part of it." It lets the other person know that they can come to you and talk to you again in hopes of you responding the same way. This is also the only type of response that works if someone is venting about something that they are angry about. All that can be done is listening, validating, and understanding.
None of these responses need to be lengthly in order to leave their mark. If we make the extra effort to invest in the lives of those we love and care about then we will be able to better support and help them.
No comments:
Post a Comment